Being on benefit sucks.

I hardly have money to leave the house, never mind actually conduct some kind of social life.

And it is a vicious cycle - the less time I spend with people, the more depressed I feel, and the harder it becomes to do productive things like look for work.

How the hell does anyone deal with this without going insane?

Desperately needed: social contact and support.


Thanks for listening, you all.

Edit - I'm slowly making improvements on the money side. Bit by bit! And I'm going to throw myself into the Looking For Work this evening, yes I am.

Some things!

Some of these things are code-related, and some not. (I am currently obsessed with programming - it is my new toy!)

-The bf is currently in France! (He came back from Norway. Now he has gone on another trip.) All seems to be going rather well, though, and he'll be back in a fortnight. :D

-Progress continues apace on the game - I'm starting to implement certain cool features with the test game, and might at some point build the "real game" which is based around a fairy castle theme. This will require me to make some maps and do some world-building, however, and I'm still at the "implementing features and keeping the game small enough to make it easy to test" stage. So that might be a while off.

-I am getting to the point with Perl where I might actually be able to tackle the bug I claimed at DW. Excitement!

-I also signed up for Github with the vague aim of someday perhaps working on Diaspora, for which I have recently signed up as a user - though that requires Ruby, which I don't yet have a clue about. I'd also like to do some coding for AO3 someday, though I have NO IDEA what language they use there yet.

-I am enjoying the second half of this year's Doctor Who series so far. Outrageous plot developments, weird narrative techniques, speed-of-light exposition and all.

-I need a job! (And with the boyfriend on holiday, I am lower-than-usual on distractions.) So there will be working on these things today and muuuuch writing of applications next week. Go Lucy!

And now I go to write a way of putting stuff in boxes in my game. Wish me luck!

I choose to make a post.

Because the longer I don't post, the harder it gets to post, and I wish to break my not-posting streak.

Can't remember how long it's been, and I'm not going to look.

But here's an update of Life According to Lucy:

1. I have acquired a boyfriend! (Via OKCupid.) He is lovely. I am happy. He is currently in Norway (sadface).

2. I had a temp job for a while and now I don't. Working on that. (Again.)

3. I signed up for the Dreamwidth development team! So now I have a dreamhack (WOOT) and a Bugzilla account. I've claimed a bug and I'm learning Perl in the hopes of figuring out what to do with it. (Must, in fact, upgrade my hack since the code push, and work out how in the hell to install Perl 5.14 on my machine - currently have 5.8.)

4. There is much figuring out of how to improve my life, as per usual. (Getting a real job would be a realllllly good start.)

5. I'm teaching myself Perl by a) reading Beginning Perl which is a free internet book which is being REALLY HELPFUL, b) trying to write a text-based game (which, as teh boyfriend is an expert Perl programmer, is rather full of code that makes me go, "what does that do?"). I spent the last of this week's spending money on getting the Camel book used from Amazon (breaking my two-years-plus boycott). I am going to become good at programming!

6. There will be more later. Six things make a post, right? right.

I have been reading, but I need to a) post more and b) comment more.

Missed you, blogoverse!

Proper update coming shortly... I promise.

HOWEVER, first I have an announcement to make.

I had a bit of a whim today. I was talking about guilt in another community entirely, and I thought, you know what I'd like? A guilt-free party.

So I decided to throw one. On my blog.

I hope that at least a few of you will come along and talk about the stuff you refuse to feel guilty about. It might just be fun!


*loves you all*

Updatey stuff.

Hello people. It's been a while! (When did I make my last post, anyway?)

Things are moving in my life.

I have made a bunch of new friends via Reed in Partnership - which is pretty awesome.

I'm working on a few job leads. Yay for working on getting income! (I had a job interview last week, but didn't get the job. Oh well.)

My Mac is experiencing problems so it's currently "in the shop". He is going to call tomorrow and tell me what's going on.

I continue to be in therapy.

I am playing a lot of World of Warcraft. I have developed a crush on a member of my guild. At some point, I'm actually going to ask him out (but this will require me being able to be online a bit more regularly, and yes I'm putting it off because I'm not ready, leave me alone). This is Serious Progress in the world of me.

I'm remembering how much I love music and really wishing to be able to afford singing lessons again. And trying to put together a decent practice routine (but this is hard alone).

I want to be writing again but I have no ideas. So I'm working on finding ways to generate ideas. I seem to be dreaming a lot of cool stories lately but they don't seem to even last long enough for me to write the ideas down.

I am working on my stuff. A lot.

Things are getting better bit by bit.

In sum: hurray!

How are things with my readers?

mission post

I don't usually do this stuff here, 'cause it's boring for you all to read. But my usual place-to-log-my-missions is down, so here's me making commitments in writing on the internet, 'cause it helps.

Collapse )

Fangirl Mode: Activate!

Oh, people. People.

I have a brand new crush.

Every now and then, I go and see a classical concert with my parents. Quite often, we go and see the Orchestra of the Age of Enlightenment (beware: auto-play music on that link), because they play period instruments and that interests my dad - plus, they are a fabulous orchestra. That's who we went to see this afternoon - playing a selection of Mozart music at King's Place. The concert was amazing - and a lot of that, for me, had to do with the conductor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Cohen.

I was lucky enough to be sitting in the balcony, towards the stage, so I had a good view of the orchestra from an unusual angle, and apparently, that makes a huge difference to my appreciation of the concert.

Until this afternoon, I confess, I had not given much thought to the role of the conductor in a concert performance. (Even though I have been in plenty of concert performances, at an extremely amateur level, and of course the conductor makes a huge difference when you're a performer.) But watching Jonathan Cohen conduct Mozart this afternoon made me think serious thoughts.

About how important mood-setting is - for the performers and the audience - and what a huge job that is. That was one thread.

But the thing that I really came away with, I don't know if I can describe properly. I'm going to give it a shot, and maybe I can clarify in comments, if people have questions.

This is about passion.

It's about really engaging with the music. About living it. About being 100% in it, and loving every second. That's what Cohen was doing this afternoon. I've seen engagement like that in other places - on the dancefloor in clubs, for example - but I don't think I've ever seen anyone else conduct Mozart and having it feel like... like it was childeric or d_floorlandmine thrashing to the Beastie Boys.

For me, passion can be dark and obsessive, or it can be violent and angry.

But for others, it can be light and lively and sweet and fun.

It can be a dance. ("Dance", oddly enough, is probably going to be my theme for 2011. So this was appropriate and well-timed.)

And that's what I want in my life. More dance. More dancing with my passions. More lightness, more fun, more play. More sweetness.

This man doesn't just stand in front of his orchestra and wave his arms about. (I'm sure no conductor does that. But this was different from any conductor I've seen before.) This man conducts with his whole body. He conducts with his eyebrows. (I have this thing about eyebrows. Ahem, never mind.) You could see, frequently, the moments of, "oooh, I love this bit!" You could see the passion and the love for the music and the love of creating this great complex wall of sound and all the emotion that went with it. His communication with the orchestra. The way he performed for the orchestra. His sheer skill.

The stupid moment, between movements in the piano concerto, that really impressed me: he was about to start the next movement, and someone who had been out of the hall or was late came in. He waited for the person to sit down, then started up again, immediately that person was in their seat. And he did all of this without turning around - the whole thing was done by ear. He didn't need to look to know that his audience wasn't settled, and then to know that his audience was settled.

That's what I call knowing what you're doing.

Did I mention that I have an enormous crush?

As you might see if you follow the link above, it does not hurt that he's fairly easy on the eye. (But there are plenty of people who are physically "my type", who don't push my buttons, because they don't have the passion thing going on. That's what really floats my boat.) Jumping and dancing around on stage and dragging the music out of that orchestra, that incredible orchestra, with his whole body. With his face and hands and legs. I could not take my eyes off him for two hours.

I'm officially stunned and flabbergasted.

He's truly incredible.

Oh, and he plays the piano and the cello, too.

I'll be dropping dead, over here.

The year review is in progress!

So, a few days back I mentioned that I've been wanting to do a year review, and that I have some keywords I'm wanting to work on for the next year.

I decided, kind of by process of elimination really, that the year review wasn't actually going to be a year review. It's actually more of a forward planning exercise - it's part of the Mad Planning Mode thing I do. (I like silly phrases, so I use them as much as I can!)

I didn't track much of anything this year, so I'm at a loss at how to actually review it! So I'm not going to sit and dwell on what went right and wrong this year. Maybe, if I find a year review meme I like, I'll do it. But it's not essential.

What I am doing is a this planning exercise that's going to carry me not through the whole year (a year's planning felt way too big) but through the next three months.

I have goals. In fact, I have six keywords that I'm focusing on for the next three months, to see where they get me. Today, I brainstormed on goals for two of those keywords. Tomorrow I'll do the same, and then I'll finish up on Wednesday. (Then the next 2 days are reserved for biz chickening.)

For the interested, the six words are as follows:

Connection, Money, Fun, Energy, Space, Rhythm

I did Connection and Money today. I have plans, and ways to track how I'm doing! Fun and Energy tomorrow. Then Space and Rhythm on Wednesday.

And in January, all my plans will activate and I will see where I am! Whoo.

Anyway: that's the plan for the year review, such as it is.

Also - Merry Christmas, happy New Year, and happy holidays, people! Whether you celebrate or not I hope you had a fabulous weekend.